March

Stagnant. I’ve described my life as very stagnant as of late. Just not moving in the speeds I wish it would. It’s been stagnant for months. I’m not happy with life or anything in it. I’m not happy with work. School. My friends or relationship or anything. Not that they’re bad, but I’m not happy with myself of any of it. I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand. I just want to graduate so I can get out of the pits of hell in which I consider school. I don’t have senioritis, I have lifeiritis. I want to finish college before I’ve even started, because I’m tired of new beginnings. New people. New challenges. I’m so tired. So what’s the change and how’s the change been as of late? The thing is, I’ve always felt this way. There can’t be any mountains when you just live in valleys and valleys alone. There can’t be any highs when all you experience are lows. How can there be sunshine when you live in a rain cloud? I don’t put on a front. I just make do with the current situation life gives me. I can’t/don’t try to fool anyone, because I can’t even fool myself. There’s nothing positive to say. I’m not happy, but I’m not suicidal or anything. Just maintaining…. at least there’s always a balance in that sense. God hasn’t let me down with that. I’ve been able to maintain the piss-poor quality of life and I’m comfortable with it. I accept it. I’ve tried to hard to change my situation. At this point I just want it to be over with. How’s my last 4-5 years been? Same. Last 4-5 months? Same. Last 4-5 weeks? Same. Last 4-5 days? The absolute same and it’s never ending. I just maintain. All I need to do is maintain. It’s the only thing I have been able to do.